I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
