There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I got inside last night via doggy door
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
