Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
