hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
my poor anus
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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