I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize