I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
