You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
