Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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