I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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