I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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