Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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