u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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