Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
