He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
