There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
