I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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