Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize