If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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