I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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