i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That accounts for only three of the penises
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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