and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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