He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
