come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
