shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Randomize
