apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
