i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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