i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
