If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
50% drunk capacity currently
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
