They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
