If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
