I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
