I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize