I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
