Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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