I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
