I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
