I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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