My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
