i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
