The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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