He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
