i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
