Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
