I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
