Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Send help, water and tortillas.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
