i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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