i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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