So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
