just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
