I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
only if we run a train.
done.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
