Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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