Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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