she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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