my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
