I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize