i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
