Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
