Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
