dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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