Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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