Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
