I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
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