Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
