I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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