it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
what day is it and did you see me today?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
FUCK WHALES
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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