Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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