I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
