you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize