She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
